Facing declines in membership and influence, the United Auto Workers union approached the U.S. Congress with an appeal for a fresh infusion of cash to avoid immanent extinction.
"I would not call it a bailout," said UAW president Ron Gettelfinger. "It's an investment in greener, more efficient union technology. Companies like GM and Chrysler are fossils, and their available cash reserves and shareholder value are a finite resource. Unions cannot continue to tap those limited resources forever, if we want to pass on to our children a world of cushy $70 per hour semi-skilled jobs. We need to reduce our dependence on the American consumer, and develop alternative, renewable sources of graft like government largess at taxpayer expense, and redistribution of wealth from economic enterprises that actually make money."
"The Europeans are way ahead of us on this front," Gettelfinger added.
The sought-for aid would funnel $80 billion dollars directly into the pockets of UAW bosses, which are expected to flow over into aiding the 1 million union "workers" in the form of wages and benefits they couldn't dream of getting anywhere else. The cash will also go a long way towards making the UAW competitive against rapidly encroaching foreign concepts like fair-market value and quality manufacturing.
Without the aid, UAW officials predicted an extremely dire future for Big Labor. "We cannot afford to have our domestic unions perish. The U.S. might never recover its sense of unrealistic entitlement again without the unions."